Transubstantiation Scene 1 Setting: the bank of a lake. Billy and Andy are sitting on folding lawn chairs, drinking cans of beer. Within reach of Billy is a cooler of beer. A few poles are propped up, with lines leading offstage; each pole has a bell clipped on near the tip. On the ground are two tackle boxes, a small grill or camp stove, and a box of moon pies with one left. Also scattered about are a few beer cans and moon pie wrappers. Billy is taciturn and a slow talker. Andy is animated and gregarious. Andy: Maybe the fish just aren’t awake yet. Billy: Yep. Andy: At least the sun’s out. Tell me isn’t this worth lying to your boss about? Billy: Sure is. Andy: Toss me another moon pie, would you? Billy: Last one. Andy: At least we still got beer. Billy: Yep. A pole next to Billy starts to twitch, ringing the bell on it. Andy: Looks like we got lunch calling. Billy gives a tug and reels a bit of line in, then stops. Billy: Damn. Lost it. Andy: It’ll be back for more. Billy: Hope so. See anyone around? Andy: Why? You gotta take a leak? Billy: Nope. Just wondering. Andy: I do believe we got the whole lake to ourselves. Billy gives a grunt of assent then opens his tackle box and pulls out a large pistol. Andy: What the hell is that? Billy: My new baby. Andy: Is that a nine millimeter? Billy: Yep. East German, metal alloy, double action, semi-automatic. Andy: Damn, that’s nice. Where’d you get it? Billy: Germany. Andy: What the heck you bring it for? Billy: Try it out. Andy: What you gonna try it out on, a bass? Billy (tracking something flying offstage): How ‘bout that duck? Andy: Shit, you can’t hit that duck. Billy: Bet I can. It approaches on a path to fly overhead. Andy: You know, I don’t think that’s a – BANG! They watch as a large, blue-feathered mass falls onto the ground next to them. Andy: What the hell? They stand around it, Andy nudging it with a toe. Andy: That sure ain’t no mallard. Billy: Looks like a giant bluebird. Andy: It sure does. Ha! You dumb sonofabitch! You done killed the bluebird of happiness! Billy: That’s gotta be some bad luck there. Andy: Hell yeah! I think that’s a whole lifetime of bad luck. Billy: Maybe it’s like Santy Clause – you kill him, you got to take over his job. Andy: Shit. (Taking a closer look at the bird) It kinda looks like a giant parrot. Billy: You know what it looks like to me? Andy: What? Billy: Lunch. Andy: Lunch? Billy: About the size a duck. We dress it like one, and grill it up. Andy: Well, we are outta moon pies. A shrieking call is heard offstage. Andy: What the hell is that? The call is heard again. Billy: That Enis? Andy: Aw, hell. You better put that gun away. Billy does so. The call is heard again. Billy: What about the bird? Andy: Shit. Put it in the cooler. Billy does so, but leaves the cooler open so the bird is in sight. Enis, a conservation officer, enters with a turkey call or similar item. He is efficient and a bit stiff. As he approaches, Billy straightens himself up some, perhaps licking a palm and patting down his hair. Enis: Good morning, Andy. Good morning, Billy. Andy and Billy (with Billy giving a little wave): Morning, Enis. Enis: You aren’t planning on causing any trouble out here, are you? Andy: Now why would you ask us a thing like that? Enis: Just doing my job. I see you’ve already been through a few. Andy: A fine day like this, how could we not? Enis: Well, just as long as you take things easy. Andy: Don’t you worry about us, Enis – we won’t cause no trouble. Ain’t that right, Billy? Billy: We’ll behave. Enis: That’s good to hear. You catch anything yet? Andy: Nothing yet. Enis: Well, maybe the fish just aren’t awake yet. Tell me, gentlemen, you haven’t seen a Hyacinth Macaw flying around, have you? Andy: A what? Enis: A Hyacinth Macaw. You may know it by the Latin name: anodorhynchus hyacinthinus. It’s a parrot that lives along the rivers and swamps of Brazil, Bolivia, and Paraguay. Billy: Would that be the Pantanal area? Enis (impressed): I believe it would. Andy: How on earth would you know that? Billy: Read it in a book. Enis: Anyway, it feeds on fruits and nuts and it’s noted for its blue color and large size. Billy: Large - like duck-size? Enis: Well, it’s thirty-five to forty inches in length and weighs around four pounds, so you tell me. Billy: That’s about duck-size. Andy: You said it’s blue? Enis: Bright blue. Hyacinth blue, in fact. Excuse me. Enis makes the call again. Andy: Jesus, is that what it sounds like? Enis: How the heck should I know? Andy: Then why are you - Enis: This was all we had at the office. Andy: Huh. Now why would one of them be flying around here anyway? Enis: It escaped from the zoo. They thought it might fly south, back to its native habitat. They’re pretty anxious to get it back. It’s an endangered species. Billy: Endangered? Enis: Yep. I guess they’re cutting down the rain savannas or something. There’s not many Hyacinth Macaws left. The zoo is offering a reward for it. Andy: A reward? Enis: Yes sir. Billy: Dead or alive? Enis: No, I can’t imagine it would do them any good if it were dead. Well, if you see it, let me know. We can split the reward. Just joking. I’ll take ten percent. Ha ha. Well, I’m going to keep looking for that macaw. Make sure you clean all this up before you leave. Good luck with the fishing. Andy: And good luck to you too, Enis. Billy (giving a wave): Bye, Enis. Enis walks off while making the call again. Andy: Jesus. You done shot an endangered parrot. Billy: Didn’t know that at the time. Andy: Do you know what that makes you? Billy: Some kinda eco-criminal? Andy: It makes you the most bad-ass hunter in the state! Think about it – who else has shot a Hyacinth Macaw? No one around here, that’s for damn sure. Billy: That’s one way of thinking about it. Andy: Well, heck – we got to eat it now. Billy: We do? Andy: Something that rare, it gots to be good. Billy: I don’t know. Andy: I say we eat it as God intended and grill it up right now. Whadya think? Billy: I think I have shooter’s remorse. Andy: What? Billy: Ain’t like shooting a regular duck. There’s thousands of them. Andy: Well it’s too late for that now. Billy: You kill a duck, that’s one thing, but this – this here is something else. Andy: Billy? Billy: Figure a duck has to expect it. But a Hyacinth Macaw? Andy: Billy, what the hell are you talking about? Billy: Maybe we should turn it in. Andy: What, and tell ‘em it was an accident? It just happened to fly in front of the bullet? Like it was trying to commit suicide? It’s an endangered species, Billy. Shooting one has to be against some kinda law. Billy: Maybe it’s okay because it’s from a different country. Andy: So what, you shoot a Mexican and you don’t go to jail? There’s only one thing to do here, Billy. Heck, we might be the first people in the world to ever eat one of these things. We’re making history here! Billy: I don’t know. Andy: Billy, the deed is done. We can’t bring it back to life. We oughta put it to some kind of use. Billy: Guess the deed is done. Andy: Hell yeah, it is. Billy: Well, alright. But I call a drumstick. Blackout. Scene 2 Same setting, later in the day. The grill has been moved to center. There are blue feathers scattered around, and the ground is littered with more beer cans. There are bones next to the chairs, or perhaps a picked-clean carcass on the grill. Andy and Billy are stretched out in their chairs, licking their fingers, picking at teeth, or gnawing on bones. Andy: My god, that may be the best thing I ever ate. Billy: Yep. Andy: That was like eating something straight outta God’s own freezer. Makes me wonder if other endangered species are that tasty. I bet you that’s what happened to the dodo – it just tasted too damn good. You know if that zoo has any snow leopards? Are you even listening, Billy? Billy: What? Andy: Are you okay there? You been kinda quiet. Billy: Just feeling a little funny. Andy: Hey, if you’re gonna hurl, at least hurl in the lake. Billy: Ain’t gonna hurl. Andy: That meat was pretty rich. Maybe you just need to wash it down with another beer. Billy: Maybe so. He reaches into the cooler. Billy: Shit. Andy: What? Billy: Last beer. Andy: Shit. Well, you take it. Billy: You can have it. Andy: I don’t know if I want another right now. Billy: We’ll save it. Billy puts it back in the cooler. Andy: You know, I’m starting to feel a little funny myself. Kinda like I got a bird flying around in my head. Billy: That’s the feeling. Andy: You think it was something we ate? Billy: Could be. Andy: Is it normal to have a bird in your head? Billy: Where else would you keep it? Andy: That’s a good point. I’m going to gather up its babies. Andy starts to pick up the beer cans. Andy: Here, chick, chick, chick. Billy begins to collect the moon pie wrappers. Billy: Andy? Andy: Yep? Billy: Why are they called moon pies? Andy: I think Neil Armstrong invented them. Billy: Think there’s any moon in them? Andy: Naw, they save that for Twinkies. That’s why they float. Billy makes a little nest out of the wrappers, perhaps using a jacket or shirt to help keep them all together. Andy puts the beer cans in the nest. They take a moment to admire their work. Andy: They’re cute when they’re sleeping. Billy: Sure are. Andy: You’d make a good mother, Billy. Billy: Maybe one day. A fishing pole starts to twitch, causing its bell to ring. Andy: I think you got a bite there. Billy: What? Andy: The pole. The pole twitches more, then the line becomes taut. Billy: About time. Billy picks up the pole and starts to reel the line in. Billy: Feels like a big one. Andy: Maybe you got a big ol’ catfish. Billy continues to reel in the line. Enis enters, with the line ending in his mouth. As he is reeled in, he jerks his head around, as if fighting the hook. Andy: Jesus Christ! Reel him in! Reel him in! Billy: I’m trying! When Enis gets close to the bank, he falls down and flops like a fish. His flops lessen with time until they become infrequent spasms. Andy and Billy watch for a moment. Andy: What the hell are we gonna to do with him?! Billy: Don’t know. Andy: You gotta throw him back. Billy: Ain’t throwing back the biggest fish I ever caught. Andy: Well I sure as shit ain’t eating him. I don’t care how good he might taste. Billy: Maybe I could have him mounted. Andy: You’re gonna fuck a fish? Billy: What? Andy: Cause if you are, I ain’t watching. Not this time. Billy: Ain’t nobody gonna – Andy (bending down to push Enis back): C’mon, help me push him back. Billy (pulling him up): Stay away from my fish! Andy: You can’t keep him! Billy (going to the ground, hugging Enis protectively): It’s my fish! Andy: What the hell are you doing? Billy (rocking back and forth): My fish! My fish! Andy: It’s a fish! It can’t love you back! Billy: Yes it can! Andy (trying to pull Billy off of Enis): It’s time to let go, Nemo! Billy: Don’t you touch my fish! Andy: It ain’t your fish! Billy: You can’t have it! Andy: Don’t make me do this, Billy! From offstage, the bird call is heard. Andy and Billy freeze. The call is heard again. Andy: What the hell? The call is heard again. They look at Enis, then offstage. The call is heard again. A giant Hyacinth Macaw enters. Andy: Oh, shit. The macaw flaps its wings and calls again. Andy: What the hell you think it wants? Billy: Ain’t getting my fish. In a menacing fashion, the macaw takes a step towards Andy, flaps its wings and calls again. Andy (trying to shoo it away): You get outta here! Go! Shoo! The macaw doesn’t back down. Andy and the macaw start to circle each other. Billy: Maybe it’s looking for its baby. Andy: What are we supposed to do, puke it up? Go on! Git! Approaching closer to Andy, the macaw flaps and calls again. Andy: We gotta do something! I think the sonofabitch is gonna eat me! Giving a vicious call, the macaw leaps at Andy and knocks him to the ground. It straddles Andy and starts to choke him. Andy: Get it off! Get it off! Billy: What am I supposed to do? Andy: The gun! Get the gun! Billy gets the gun and points it at the macaw. The macaw continues to accost Andy. Andy: Shoot it! Shoot it! Billy stands there, frozen. Andy: Just pull the damn trigger! Billy (lowering the gun): I – I can’t. Andy: The hell you can’t! Billy: Already shot one of them today. Can’t shoot another. Andy: Do something for Christ’s sake! Billy looks around, then goes to the cooler. He pulls out the last beer. The macaw immediately stops and looks at the beer. Andy: Throw it at it! Billy slowly waves the beer. The macaw warily gets up, keeping an eye on the beer. Andy: What are you doing?! Billy: Trying to save you! Andy: You’re not giving away our last beer! Billy slowly walks to the nest, keeping an eye on the macaw. The macaw follows. Andy: Billy?! Billy?! Don’t you do it! Billy puts the beer in the nest and backs away. Andy: What are you doing?! The macaw goes over to the nest, circles it a few times, then squats down on the nest. Andy: Aw, Jesus, no! The macaw shifts some, getting comfortable. Andy: I’m getting my beer back. Andy takes a step towards the nest, but Billy holds him back. Billy: You can’t – that’s the avian form of Mboi Tui. Andy: The what? Billy: Mboi Tui – It’s one of the gods of the Guarani tribe in the Pantanal. Andy: It’s a god? Billy: Yep. The protector of wetlands. Andy: Shit, I ain’t messing with no god. The macaw shifts around again, then straightens up. Andy: What the hell is that god doing? Billy: I think we’re witnessing the miracle of life. The macaw shudders. The sound of a can being opened is heard. Billy: Awwww. Andy: Did it just hatch that beer? Billy: Yep. The macaw gives a shake, then stands up. It looks at Billy and Andy, flaps its wing and gives a final call. It exits. Andy: That was the last beer! What are we going to do now? Billy: Nothing we can do. Andy: But the beer! Billy: Mboi Tui was angry. Had to have a sacrifice. Andy: Couldn’t we have just sacrificed some moon pies? Billy: Needed something precious. Andy: Well, yeah, but beer? That’s a lot to ask of a man. Billy: We can get some more. Andy: I guess so. At least we didn’t have to have a human sacrifice like them Lutherans. We better get that fish back. Billy: Can’t throw it back. Andy: Billy, we have to let him go. It can’t live like that. Billy: What if we built a big tank for it? Andy: You think it would be happy living like that? Billy: Guess not. Andy: This is the only way, Billy. You got to sacrifice something precious to Mboi Tui too. C’mon, we can push it out together. They push Enis into the water. Enis starts to flop around, then exits. Billy: Bye, fishy. Come back soon! Billy watches it go, then falls to his knees. Billy: It’s gone. It’s gone. Andy kneels down and hesitantly puts an arm around Billy. Andy: You had to let it go, Billy. Billy: It won’t come back, will it? Andy: It might. You’ll just have to be patient. Billy: Andy? Andy: What? Billy: I think I love Enis. Andy: He’s a good man, Billy. He’s a good man. Blackout. Scene 3 Same setting. It is now evening. Andy and Billy are asleep on their chairs. The nest of beer cans and wrappers is still on the stage. Enis awakes and stretches. He ambles over to the cooler and looks inside. Without taking his eyes off the cooler, he backs up to Billy. Andy: Billy? Billy – wake up! Billy: What? Andy: Take a look in the cooler. Billy: What for? Andy: Look in the cooler. Billy looks in the cooler. Billy: You ran to the store? Andy: Hell no, I did not run to the store. Billy: How’d they get here? Andy: I’ll tell you how – it was that damn bird! Billy: You think it was real? Andy: This beer is sure as hell real. Billy: Thought that macaw was just something inside of you. Andy: What on earth are you talking about? Billy: Like you were wrestling with inner demons. Andy: Well that don’t make a lick of sense. If I was wrestling with inner demons, why the hell would you see it? Billy: Hadn’t thought of that. Andy: Besides, why would it be my inner demons? You’re the one that shot it. Billy: Guess so. Andy: All I know is, we got a cooler full of beer. It’s a miracle, Billy, a goddamn miracle. All hail Mboi Tui, god of beer! Billy: It’s the protector of wetlands. Andy: It’s the protector of our thirst, that’s what it is. Billy, I seen a lot of things. I seen people go into trances and shake like they got a disease. I seen people speak in tongues like some kind of lunatic. I even seen some crazy-ass snake handlers once. But this here – this is the real thing. This is undisputable. We were tested, Billy. We were tested and somehow we were found worthy. Mboi Tui has graced us with its favor, and we must honor it by drinking the sacred water. Andy opens one and takes a drink. Andy: Halleluiah! From offstage, the bird call is heard, startling Andy and Billy, who both look at the opened can of beer. Andy: Shit! Should we hide it? Billy: Can’t hide from a god. Andy: Well what the hell are we - Enis enters. Enis: Evening, boys. Andy: Jesus, you scared the hell out of us, Enis. Enis: Sorry. Didn’t mean to. I see you’ve kept things clean around here. Andy: Well, uh…we wouldn’t want to disappoint you, would we, Billy? Billy: Wouldn’t disappoint you, Enis. Enis: I appreciate it – makes my job easier. Ha ha. Any luck with the fish? Andy: We did catch one thing. Billy: But we let it go. Enis: That’s rather sporting of you. Well, I’m gonna call it a day. It looks like that bird is long gone. Billy: Maybe it just nested down for the night. Enis: It is diurnal, so it wouldn’t be flying around at this time. Andy (more to Billy): Yeah - you shouldn’t give up on it that easily. Enis: I guess it wouldn’t hurt to look around for it tomorrow. Andy (giving Billy a nudge): No, it wouldn’t hurt at all. Billy: If you want, I could help you out. Enis: Well, it would be nice to have some company. How ‘bout eight o’clock at the station? Billy: I’ll be there. Enis: Great – it’s a date. Ha ha. You two be safe getting home. Goodnight, Andy. See you tomorrow, Billy. Billy: See ya, Enis. Enis exits, with a bird call. Andy: Well how about that? It really is a day of miracles. Billy: Just looking for a bird. Andy: Yep, but that’s a start. You know what you need to do right now, Billy? Billy: Pass out? Andy: What you need to do is take a seat, have one of these sacred beers and enjoy the sunset. Andy tosses Billy a beer. Billy looks at the can and ponders it for a moment. Andy: To Mboi Tui. Billy: To Mboi Tui. They drink their beer. A pole starts to twitch, ringing the bell on it. Andy: Looks like you got a bite. Billy: Yep. Andy: You gonna get that? Billy: Don’t think so. The pole continues to twitch, and the bell continues to ring. Blackout. (For performance rights, contact Ken at k_buswell@comcast.net)